For the love of God, don't read this!
by Dylan S. Thompson
Summary: I'm not kidding. You'll wish you hadn't. Chapter 4: Is Snape Evil? Find out inside!
1. Lots of Blowjobs

A/N: Yeah…I got nothin'

The Next Great Threat to Wizard-Kind

All the original members of the DA were sitting in a circle in the Room of Requirement, discussing really really important events that had to do with Defending things from Dark Arts.

"…And that's when I said to her, I said 'Gran, what the fuck is Uncle Algie's hand doing up your ass?"

Actually, they were just drunk as shit.

And shit…in case you didn't know…is really fucking drunk most of the time.

Harry tried to call the meeting to order by banging his gavel, but discarded this venture when he realized that he didn't know what the hell a gavel was.

Instead, he just shouted. "Oi! Fuckers! Time to listen to me!"

No one listened to him.

Because he was a prat, and he tended to yell a lot.

He was gonna yell for attention again, but at that very moment he noticed that Ginny was kneeling between his legs, unzipping his robes.

Which was quite a powerful bit of magic, seeing as robes don't have zippers.

But I digress.

Fast forward a couple minutes, after the blowjob. Yeah, Harry's a bit of a fast draw. Ron, though, Ron can last till wood turns to butter.

Yeah, you heard me. Fucking bitches.

Blowjobs are done-done (for the most part). Hermione's still chugging away at Ron, but she's listening in to what Harry's saying. She's a hell of a multi-tasker.

Shhh…Harry's talking:

"Alright, alright: Lets stop drinking and fucking for a couple of minutes and discuss what we're going to do now that Voldemort's out of the picture."

"I still can't believe how easy that was," interrupted Neville, snorting his tenth line of meth.

"Yeah," put in Parvati, "who'da thunk that all his babble about purity and his whole…you know…killing people thing was actually just covering his all encompassing need to be dominated by Professor Snape?"

"Total surprise", "Straight outta left field", and "Would you just shut up? No one likes you!" were just a few of the half-hearted responses Parvati received from the group, who mostly wished she would just shut up. Because they didn't like her.

She was stupid.

But not slutty.

Which is a boring combination.

Anyway, Lavendar took this moment to say, sagely, "They're a good couple, though."

A chorus of not-half-hearted "yeah"s answered him(and a muffled "yrgh" from Hermione), because she was a lot more well liked than Parvati. Mostly because she fucked around.

The message here, to any young girls out there, is that the only way to make friends is to offer up your body to boys. You'll be a frigid Ice Queen otherwise, and no one will like you.

Anywayz, back to the point of this…well, no one would really call this a story, would they?

Luna dreamily said, at this point, "Maybe we should listen to what Harry Potter has to say?"

The rest of the DA threw glares at her, filled with as much hatred as they could muster.

Luna scratched her ass.

How the fuck do you throw a glare?

Shrug

Anywayz.

Blah Blah Blah, lots of funny stuff, lets just skip to the end:

The entire DA turned their attention to Harry, ready to listen. Ready to soak up the wisdom of Harry James Potter. Ready to pretend that they didn't know he was gay and got reamed up the ass every night by Hagrid and Buckbeak. Ready to continue on the charade of pretending that they're wizards, when really they know that they're just Jedi. Ready to deny all accusations that they're just Lord of the Rings rip-offs. Really, fucking…Neville _Longbottom_. Come on! I mean…Come on! What else do you need, fucking Frodo and Sam to show up at Hogwarts and suck each other off?

Gah…let me try that one again, because I had a really nice money shot:

The entire DA turned their attention to Harry, ready to listen. Ready to soak up the wisdom of Harry James Potter. Ready to pretend that they didn't know he was gay and got reamed up the ass every night by Hagrid and Buckbeak. Ready, for once in their short, pathetic lives, to show the boy some respect.

Only to find that he'd passed out, drunk, and shit himself.

It was really embarrassing.

"Er…" said Ron, leaning over to pick up Harry's clip board and notes. "I'll just read what he said."

Ron's eyes scanned the page, then flicked back to the unconscious boy, then back to the page. Then he muttered, "Crazy fucking bastard" to himself, and cleared his throat.

"Ok, his notes start off a bit jumbled, probably because he wrote them with about eight sheets of acid coursing through his veins. It says something about winning rabbits, then it seems to peter off into ramblings about different sorts of grass. No, not weed. Real grass."

Ron peers at the words, and says, "Harry wanted to announce that Kentucky Bluegrass is better than Crab Grass because it's…sexier."

"Er…that's as good a reason as any, I guess," offered Cho Chang, diplomatically.

"Shut up, you diseased cow!" screamed Io, from the Greek Myth.

She just showed up one meeting, and no one had the heart to make her leave.

"Yeah, anyway," called out Ron, "the next bit seems to be in Mandarin Chinese, so I can't make heads or tails of it. Finally, though, towards the end, after the rant about glass blowing, we get to the point of this whole fucking thing: Harry Potter has discovered the next big threat to the wizarding world!"

Ron looked up expectantly, expecting shock, outrage, and fear: all expressed through loud gasps.

Mostly, though, the rest of the DA had taken so many drugs that they had the cognitive skills of a particularly stupid strain of Chlamydia. Feeling her man's disappointment through some strange blowjob magic, Hermione disengaged herself from Ron's cock and let out a quick gasp before returning to work.

Heartened, Ron returned his attention to Harry's notes. "According to Harry, the next big threat to wizards is…fanfiction and fanfiction authors!"

DUN DUN DUN!

"What the fuck's he talking about?" demanded Seamus, who really dug inter-species sex. By the by.

"No fucking clue," admitted Ron, shrugging, and letting the paper fall to the ground. "He has a whole long explanation scribbled on here, but it looks like it got smudged beyond recognition when he pissed himself earlier. Alls I can make out it this: 'For the love of everything that his holy, Severus Snape is not sexy!'"

"Not a big fucking surprise there," said Angelina. Nope, no random or vulgar remark following that one. I'm playin' it straight.

Once again, all eyes were on Harry, but this time most of them were wondering what the hell they were going to do with him. Well…the eyes weren't wondering that. The brain that the eyes were connected to were wondering that. Anywayz, just hold tight, this nightmare is almost over.

There was a short silence as they regarded their soiled 'leader'. Then, speaking for the first time during the meeting, that annoying guy from the fifth book whose name I can't remember. You know, the guy who was all stroppy when the DA first started? Anywayz, he said, "I think Harry needs to lay off the drugs."

The rest of the order finally had an excuse to beat the little bastard to death. And Harry started bleeding from the ears. But…no one really cared.

And Hermione is still giving Ron a blowjob to this very day.

THE END

(THANK THE FUCK CHRIST!)


	2. Ass Fucking in Heaven

Disclaimer: Rowling fucking wishes she had my talent. The bitch.

A/N: It's happened again, unfortunately, and now you must suffer for it. If this offends anyone…I don't fucking care in the slightest. Oh, and this has HBP spoilers...kinda.

Ass Fucking in Heaven

Everything was white. Ish. Well, it was kinda white with a green tint. Ish. Greenish. Whitish with a greenish tint. Whitish-greenish. Whitigreen-ish. Wish?

Ah, fuck it! Everything was purple. It's not like it fucking matters to the fucking story in the fucking least!

Fucking!

Anywayz, Dumbledore was dead and now he's in the afterlife.

"Fancy a lemon drop, Albus?" asked a boisterous voice…terous.

"Isn't that my line?" asked a groggy Dumbledore, not sure where the hell he was or who was talking to him or why the fuck he had an erection. He hadn't been able to get it up since he'd turned one hundred. Except, you know, when he was around Harry.

"I don't know…do you offer yourself lemon drops often?" mused the voice.

"Surprisingly yes," said Dumbledore.

"That's not really surprising," said another voice, just as boisterous.

Voiceterous.

God fucking damn I'm pathetic, because that just cracks me the hell up.

"Fuck you," said Dumbledore.

"Language, Language," taunted a third voice, this one female. It occurred to Dumbledore that all of these voices sounded terribly familiar, and he wished he could just fucking see them so he could know who the hell they were.

"So, do you want a fucking lemon drop or not? I brought them just for you, and if you don't want one I'm going to throw them the fuck away. The little bastards creep the fuck out of me!"

Dumbledore finally realized that he had his eyes closed. So he opened them. Which went a really really long way towards that whole 'identifying the voices talking to me' thing.

He found that he was in an ordinary living room, surrounded by people. Lily Evans (fuck you guys, I'm not calling her Potter), James Potter, and Sirius Black.

"Yo," said Lily, looking bored, when she saw that he'd opened his eyes.

"Hello Lily," said Dumbledore, calmly. Then he turned toward Sirius, who was holding a tin of lemon drops, and said, "I'd love a Lemon Drop."

"Thank Christ," Sirius exclaimed. "We've been sitting here for hours waiting for you to open your eyes, and they made me hold them the entire fucking time even though they know I don't like them being near me!"

"You're a freak," said Lily evenly. Dumbledore nodded. James just put his arm around Sirius' shoulder to console him. Then he started to give him a hand job…you know…to console him.

Dumbledore's eyes widened slightly. "Do they do this often?" he asked Lily, who was watching the entire spectacle without showing any emotion.

"All the fucking time," she said tonelessly. "They'll be done in a second. That's the best thing about being dead, according to them, the fact that guys can cum as much as girls."

"That's my idea of heaven," offered Dumbledore mildly, his mind rejoicing at the idea of being able to cum in as many socks as he could ever hope for.

"Mine too!" exclaimed Randy, the Horny Sodomy Elf.

"OH MY HOLY FUCKING JESUS!" screamed Albus, jumping on top of a chair and pointing in horror.

Lily still looked on emotionlessly, seeming to be bored with everything. "That's Randy," she explained. "He stops by sometimes for the boys. Don't worry, though. If you're not into ass fucking, he basically leaves you alone."

For the first time she seemed interested in something, and peered at Dumbledore shrewdly, waiting for an answer.

"Um…" he said eloquently.

Lily smirked. "I always suspected…"

"It's not a crime," Dumbledore said defensively, lubing up. "And you can't exactly talk! Your husband is gayer than the author of this story!"

And that's pretty fucking gay, folks.

Anywayz, Lily smiled and said, "He's not my husband up here. I divorced his ass the second I realized we were dead, and he's been pining after Sirius every since he showed up. I'm waiting for my lover to die, and then I'll fucking blow this joint with him."

"Blow?" asked Dumbledore, who wasn't really listening because…you know…of the ass fucking.

"As in leave, you sick fuck."

"Right."

Lily heaved a sigh and looked around her. Sirius and James were locked into a violent sixty-nine and Dumbledore was getting royally reamed by an elf. "Why can't one of our straight friends die? Like Remus? I have needs too, you know!"

James took Sirius' cock outta his mouth and said laughingly, "If you think Remus is straight, you obviously didn't have eyes, ears, or a brain when we went to school. I don't think a night went by when he didn't have at least one of us fuck him."

"What about the full moon?" asked Lily petulantly.

James smirked. "All three of us." Seeing Lily's surprised look, he added, "Peter used to just climb on in and, you know, _scurry_ around."

Lily shook her head sadly. "And to think he went and betrayed wonderful friends like you."

"And now he's left exploring Voldemort's snaky ass."

"The bastard."

Alright, for the simple fact that it's five in the fucking morning and I wanna sleep, we're gonna skip ahead to after everyone's done with the gay sex. For now.

"Well that was fun!" exclaimed Dumbledore, who hadn't felt this good in years. He and Randy had exchanged numbers, and Dumbledore planned on spending a fuck of a lot of time bent over random things.

Getting fucked in the ass, for anyone out there that hasn't figured out the theme of this fic.

Sirius and James nodded in affirmation of Dumbledore's statement. Lily just stared off into space, wishing that Severus would fucking die already and rescue her from all the fucking fags.

…

Cigarettes, people.

Lily's afraid of them…you know, like…Sirius is of the Lemon Drops…?

FUNNY!

Ah, who am I fucking kidding?

"You know," mused Dumbledore as cum leaked out of his ass (classy!), "I expected Heaven to be more, like, serious."

"I'm Sirius!" exclaimed the person in question excitedly, revisiting one of his favorite jokes from youth.

Dumbledore looked at him blankly, "What?"

James patted him on the hand (faggishly) and spoke to Dumbledore as if he were a child, "Sirius is a person, Albus. Not a place. Why would Heaven be anything like Sirius?"

"What?"

"Oh dear," said James, "He's gone senile."

"I'm Sirius!"

James grinned at Dumbledore, who heaved a sigh of annoyance, and said, "He's Sirius."

"Nobody gives a fuck about Sirius!" exclaimed Lily, finally reaching her breaking point with the two.

"I'm Sirius!" exclaimed Sirius, grinning widely, seeing how far he and James could push them.

"He really is," grinned James. Lily let out a shriek of frustration and infected both of them with AIDS.

HAHAHAHAHA! PWNED!

"I'd forgotten how annoying you two were together," said Dumbledore, not giving a fuck that Sirius and James were quickly cycling through all the symptoms of AIDS in less than a minute. "It's no wonder I had Tom kill you, James."

As you can imagine, this was met with stunned silence. James and Sirius stared at Dumbledore…stunned. Lily grinned.

"What?" asked James, who finished getting AIDS first.

"Nothing," said Dumbledore quickly.

"I thought I heard you say-" James began, but was quickly cut off.

"The AIDS must've fucked with your hearing," Dumbledore said, just as quickly.

"Oh," said James hopefully, "So you didn't have Voldemort kill me?"

"Of course not," exclaimed Dumbledore, trying to sound offended, but mostly sounding horny.

"Really?" Asked James, who was pretty fucking sure that he'd heard what he'd heard.

"I'm completely serious," answered Dumbledore with twinkling eyes.

"No, I'm Sirius!" exclaimed Sirius automatically.

"He really is," affirmed James just as automatically. And they were off again, totally oblivious to everything around them.

"Thank Christ for predictability," muttered Dumbledore to Lily, who was too busy fantasizing about cock to really pay attention to anything.

"Yeah, whatever," she said unenthusiastically to Dumbledore…who was now also too busy fantasizing about cock to really pay attention to anything.

And they all lived miserably ever after.

WHORES!

A.K.A.

THE END

P.S. Dumbledore loves Acid Pops

P.S.S. Which is fagspeak for being fucked without lube.

P.S.S. :-D


	3. Silly Words!

A/N - A Tribute to My Lovely Reviewers:

_HHrfan18: _I seriously hope you change your name and your shipping orientation

_little lotte daae: _Yes, I do own.

_Hermyandronforevr: _Actually, I was talking about Zacharias Smith. That fucking bastard.

_LyssaTucci: _Oh fuck…she's lost her ass!

_Digigirl-izumi: _Speed would probably not be the best drug for you.

_Scarecrow and Gnome: _This chick LOVES me, guys. Like, she would probably fly out to Arkansas and give me a blowjob if I asked her. Which…rocks.

_Queen of the Psychos: _Oh yeah? I've got you beat, you uppity so and so! I once laughed so hard I had sex with my father…and he's dead! Beat that.

_Enchanted Oasis: _No shit.

_Snoopy: _Have you been drinking again?

_hpgwluv-freak: _Saweet, I've got a stalker! Do you want to fly to Arkansas and give me a blowjob too?

_Jellyjam rabbit: _Darn? Where the fuck do you think you are?

_Sara: _I think it says a lot about Sara, and her 'useful review' that she misspelled 'vocabulary'. And that she thinks that 'fuck' is a silly word.

_Keith: _OH SWEET FUCKING JESUS, YOU'VE USED ONE OF THOSE SILLY WORDS!

_Wendela: _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

_Treasurehunter: _You're lucky I get physically excited by ambiguity, TH, or I would have killed you long ago.

_FireOfEvil2991: _1. Mostly about porn. 2. Probably.

_Regretful: _Shut up…you know you're my bitch.

_Bubonicweasley: _Screw them all? Like…literally? Like…have intercourse with every person to not like this story? That would take a long fucking time…Like, I'd be cumming blood by the time I was finished. So…yeah, I'll do it!

A/N2: This story is dedicated to anyone out there with a skip in their step and a dream in their heart. And it's dedicated to my favoritest reader in the world, Sara. But, most of all, it's dedicated to my Heroin dealer.

Hermione's Prerogative

The thing was Hermione wasn't satisfied with Ron. Though the boy had the stamina of God during blowjobs, he couldn't last a fucking minute inside her. Once, when Ron was so drunk he didn't even know he was having sex, he'd lasted almost two minutes and Hermione had _almost_ had an orgasm. But most times she was left totally high and dry. She didn't even have time to _fake_ a proper orgasm! She had to start moaning _before_ they even started fucking.

I'm sure we can all agree it's sad. But, truthfully, it's a more depressing situation for Ron, who sucks in bed and will probably never get better. Because, why fucking worry about the woman's pleasure? Women were put on earth to serve and pleasure men. And to make them sandwiches. And don't let any uppity bitches tell you different.

:BIG SMILE:

Anywayz, Ron was fucked for life. Hermione, however, found a substitute. She stood in the stands at the latest Quidditch match, and practically stared up at Ron, salivating.

Wait…what? (asks the audience) Didn't you just say something about her not liking Ron? I mean…we're not really paying attention, but I swear I remember something along those lines…

Never fear! (cries the author) For all shall be answered in the next paragraph!

She was staring, transfixed, at what Ron had between his legs. Oh, how she loved it. It was _looooong_. It was hard. It was **thick**.

And it could go from zero to sixty in less than three seconds.

If she'd thought about it she would have relished the irony. Hermione Granger, reluctant spectator of the game, falls in lust with a Quidditch broom.

But…she didn't think about the irony.

Because she was horny as fuck.

And fuck, in case you didn't know –

You've already fucking done that one! (cries the audience) You unoriginal bastard! (it adds, for good measure) You have a tiny cock! (it screams, just to be mean)

(The author tries to respond, but no one can understand him, because he's sobbing at the fact that they've somehow found out the secret about his horribly small cock.)

Fast-forward to after the game, and Hermione is waiting patiently in her Head Girl room. Ron and Hermione have a ritual after every game, though Ron only knows part of it:

He comes in, dirty and aching from the match.

She takes his broom from him, helps him out of his gear, and then out of his clothes.

She gives him a quick massage, and then sends him into her Head Girl bathroom for a long, hot hour-long shower.

And that's as far as Ron knows. What he doesn't know is that while he's in that shower, thinking about what a wonderful girlfriend he has, Hermione is outside, fucking herself silly with his broom, wondering why Ron is so fucking worthless in bed.

That day after the Quidditch match, though, Ron fucked it all up by coming into Hermione's room wanting to talk.

"You know, Hermione, I sometimes think we're the only fucking normal people around here!" he exclaimed, as he burst through her door, covered in grass and mud.

"Um…ok," said Hermione absently, wondering whether or not she should use Ron's broom to fuck herself up the ass. While she was in the act it was always heaven, but she found that afterwards there was all sorts of anal leakage and she had to use a butt plug to keep everything in. (You know, I'm actually starting to see Sara's point.)

"I swear to God!" he exclaimed, flinging himself into one of Hermione's chairs. "I was on my way over here, and I heard fucking Dumbledore thank McGonagall for 'rocking his cauldron'!"

"So?" asked Hermione, thinking, _What the fuck is he on about? Why in the name of God is he not in the shower!_

"So, that's Fag-speak for anal fisting! Our Headmaster gets fisted by our Deputy Headmistress! That's some fucked up shit!"

Hermione patted him on his arm, as sympathetically as she could, and said, "That's terrible, Ron. Maybe a nice hot shower will do you some good…"

But Ronny wasn't listening. He had just hit his stride in his rant and wasn't about to let up for something as trivial as cleanliness. "Seamus is getting buggered by Firenze and by Fang! Harry's shooting so much Heroin that his veins are collapsing, and when he's not high he's impaled on Hagrid's leg-like cock! Snape fucking keeps Voldemort in the dungeons chained up all the time, and that's not all about Snape!"

"What else is there?" asked Hermione, wondering when the FUCK he was going to shut up and get his useless ass in the shower so she could partake in the ONE FUCKING JOY in her life!

"I hear," continued Ron, conspiratorially, mistaking Hermione's blinding rage for interest, "that a lot of the students give him money to fuck them…with his nose! Isn't that the most twisted thing you've ever fucking heard? What kind of freak sticks his nose up someone's ass?"

"Sure, whatever, right, I agree," said Hermione, looking longingly at Ron's broom.

She was about to suggest again that he take a shower, but Ron was off again and couldn't be stopped. "It's just…just sick! All this malarkey and shenanigans going on this a place of learning! If there's one thing, Hermione, that you've taught me since we've started going out it's that school is a place for learning, not for silliness and ballyhoo! I mean, to think, just a year ago-"

But Hermione had had all she could take. Standing up and putting her hands on her hips, she screamed, "JUST TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SHOWER, RON!"

A silence descended over them, Ron staring slack-jawed at Hermione, who was red-faced and breathing hard. Finally, when it became clear that Hermione wasn't going to offer any explanation for her outburst (and, really, what the fuck did Ron expect? Women are insane, everyone knows that), Ron muttered, "Alright, 'Mione…whatever you say."

Without another word, he gathered up a towel and entered the bathroom. Hermione waited until she heard the sound of running water, and then she bounded across the room and grabbed the broom, pressing it against her chest like a lover. She hopped on the bed, spread-eagle, and then went to fucking town.

Heh…fucking town. Like…a town for fucking.

Get it?

Yeah.

Alright, I'm tired of this story.

I've decided that I'm going to make this an X-Men fanfic now.

...A really bad one.

Enjoy…

"OH SHIT!" cried Professor X as he walked in on Beast pounding fourteen year old Kitty Pryde's asswith all his animal energy.

"OH SHIT!" cried out fourteen year old Kitty Pryde as she came, excited as fuck at being watched by the Professor. The little exhibitionist slut.

"OH SHIT!" cried out Beast, who'd just taken his cock out of fourteen year old Kitty Pryde's ass and found, to his disgust, that it was covered in shit.

SNIKT!

A.K.A.

The

End

A/N3: I really do have a small cock. You can probably tell, right?


	4. Blasphemy, Racism, and Incest: Oh my!

Disclaimer: Rowling filed a restraining order against me because I kept trying to steal her characters.

A/N: Yes, yes, inspiration has struck (that happens every year or so) and I have returned, much to the chagrin of God, Man, and some plants. Mostly vegetables, but evergreens seem not to mind. And don't even get me started on the tubers! Fucking tubers…

A/N2: Hey! Reviews!

_.Bohemian.Moon.: _You calling me a Mick, is that it? You got something against the Irish? Well I'm proud to be Irish, even if we are Catholics and drunkards! I'll show you a fucking potato!!!

_VeryTea: _You've offered me no fodder for humor, ridicule, self depreciation, or mockery. I'm at a loss. I'll have to resort to vulgarity: CUNTSORE!

_Random person you don't know:_ Oh, you'd be surprised at who I know. You're obviously Tom the Baker who sometimes winks at me over the counter as I buy my weekly supply of muffins and so forth. You sick fuck.

_Snoogy: _Well, since you'll be bored and lonely for the rest of your life, then I'll have to be insulted if you don't review this chapter as well. BORED AND LONELY TWINS…ACTIVATE!

_Who really cares?_: My grandmother didn't love when I used silly words like fuck. Especially when I added '-ing cunt!' to it and then punched her. Oh well, she's dead now.

_Suchikri Cassioromeda: _Is that "Scarecrow and Gnome" in Japanese? I hope not, cause that's just inane. Oh, and my screenname is xavierzane37. But, since it's been more than a year since you asked, I'm sure you don't care anymore.

_Frisky Muffin: _Absolutely not.

_Hermyandronforevr: _I still have to disagree and say it's worse for the guy. Cause a chick can always just toss the poor fucker aside and find a guy who can satisfy her. But if you're a guy and you don't satisfy a woman, then you might as well just give up and shoot yourself in the head. I should know…I plan to do both later, after I take a nap.

_Seikou: _You lover it?

_mimbulus-mimbeltonia: _ My first impulse was to point out your typo, but now I'm just going to settle for shaking my head disappointedly at the use of w00t.

_Cate: _Yeah, it's funny and we've all had a few laughs and some good times…but you know what's not funny? Incorrect punctuation. Unlike rape, incorrect punctuation offers no frivolity of any kind.

And we're on to this guy (who I've fallen in love with). I sincerely hope he's still waiting for me to respond. He can be my stalker anytime:

_sigh: _Well, obviously I have no life.

_right: _I'm just a jumbled bag of contradictions, kid. I don't know what else to tell you.

_right. again: _Heh…you said "come".

Back to the others:

_Canon is dead…: _If you think this story isn't shit, then you're obviously on something a hell of a lot stronger than me…which I'm going to have to take from you.

_KiiwiiShortCake: _Thank you, on both accounts.

Is Snape Evil?

(Who cares? He's hot!)

By Dylan S. Thompson

It's a question asked by pretty much everyone on earth who matters, agonized over by people who have nothing else worth agonizing over, and endlessly discussed by fandom whores like us. Seriously…endlessly. It makes a soul just want to kill everyone. Well, a soul like Hitler, at least. Hey, I might've just come up with a new type of mass murder! Fandomcide. Hmm…this warrants more thought later.

Anywayz, since there are no answers forthcoming from fandom or author, I've decided to go straight to the source: the characters! Or…my characters, at least. Who bear no resemblance to the actual characters and are as likely to give valid answers as I am to get laid. But that's beside the point. I've sent one of my beta personalities, Jimmy Doorlocks, into the terrifying recesses of my imagination to converse with these obscenities. Time to see what he got:

Interview #1: Neville Longbottom

JimmyDoorlocks: So…you're gay, right?

Neville: What?! No!

JimmyDoorlocks: Fuck! I was so sure!

Neville: Aren't you supposed to be asking about Snape?

JimmyDoorlocks: Are you sure? (Looks up at the previous paragraph.) Shit, alright.

Neville: You're a terrible reporter.

JimmyDoorlocks::backhands Neville::

Interview #2: Harry Potter

JimmyDoorlocks: Alright, that thing with Neville was just to warm up. Now I'm here with Harry Potter and I'm totally ready for some serious reportage! Harry, do you think Snape is evil?

Harry: Grrr….

JimmyDoorlocks: What the fuck? Did you just growl at me?

Harry::barks::

JimmyDoorlocks: Hmm… ::looks hard at Harry:: Oh shit…that's a basset hound. Where'd Harry go?

Interview #3: Ron Weasley 

JimmyDoorlocks: This time I've got the whole thing locked tight. I am indeed here with Ron Weasley, and I have to ask, Ron, do you think Snape is evil?

Ron: Yes.

JimmyDoorlocks: Christ, you're boring.

Interview #4: Ginny Weasley

JimmyDoorlocks: Ginny, when did your brother get so boring? He used to be the funny one!

Ginny: It's all Hermione's fault. She sucked him dry and then stole his broom.

JimmyDoorlocks: Do you mean that in a sexual sense?

Ginny: I usually do. She and the broom have been lovers for a year now. She's much happier. She's probably fucking it right now.

JimmyDoorlocks: Really? I better go interview her. ::rushes out of the room::then sticks his head back in:: Oh yeah, do you think Snape is evil?

Ginny: Oh, absolutely.

JimmyDoorlocks: Perfect! I love journalism.

Interview #5: Hermione Granger

JimmyDoorlocks: Can I watch you fuck the broom?

Hermione: No!

JimmyDoorlocks: …please?

Hermione: Absolutely not!

JimmyDoorlocks: Can I…fuck you with the broom?

Hermione: Well…I suppose so.

JimmyDoorlocks: Saweet!

Three Hours Later…

JimmyDoorlocks: Oh, by the way, do you think Snape's evil?

Hermione: Of course he is!

JimmyDoorlocks: Fantastic.

Interview #6: Pavarti Patil and Lavender Brown

JimmyDoorlocks: So…are you two gay now?

Pavarti and Lavender::nods::

JimmyDoorlocks: I suppose that was the best…considering neither of you have ever had developed personalities or friends other than yourselves.

Pavarti and Lavender: That's kind of what we figured.

JimmyDoorlocks: At least Pavarti's not frigid anymore.

Pavarti and Lavender::nods::

JimmyDoorlocks: I don't suppose either of you have an opinion as to whether or not Snape is evil?

Pavarti and Lavender::shrug::

JimmyDoorlocks: That's alright, I wasn't expecting anything. So…can I watch you two have sex?

Pavarti and Lavender::nods::

JimmyDoorlocks: The wizarding world is so awesome.

Interview #7: Luna Lovegood

JimmyDoorlocks: You know, everyone's been telling me to watch out for you. They all think you're fucking insane. But you really don't seem all that bad to me.

Luna:: is giving Jimmy a blowjob::

JimmyDoorlocks: If you think Snape is evil, keep doing what you're doing.

Luna::continues giving Jimmy a blowjob::

JimmyDoorlocks: I couldn't agree more.

Interview #8: Hagrid and Buckbeak

JimmyDoorlocks: How long have you two been married?

Buckbeak: Oh, about two years now, I'd say.

JimmyDoorlocks: These pictures are wonderful. And you looked beautiful in your dress. Radiant, even.

Buckbeak::blushes:: Thank you, Mr. Doorlocks. ::pointed glare to Hagrid:: It's nice to feel appreciated.

JimmyDoorlocks: It almost makes me not think of bukakke every time I see your name.

Buckbeak: Oh…um…well…

JimmyDoorlocks: No, nevermind. Now I just think of bukakke weddings. Oh well, thank you for your time.

Interview #9: Cho Chang

JimmyDoorlocks: On a scale of one to ten, how annoying would you say you are?

Cho: What?!

JimmyDoorlocks: I said, "On a scale of one to ten, how annoying would you say you are?"

Cho: You fucking bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are! I've never been so insulted in my life!

JimmyDoorlocks: I highly doubt that.

Cho::bursts into tears::

JimmyDoorlocks: The answer, of course, is eleven.

Interview #10: Io

JimmyDoorlocks: What are you even doing here?

Io: I have no fucking clue, but it's been a wild fucking ride. Everyone here is either insane or sexually deviant. It's actually a lot like home.

JimmyDoorlocks: So…do you think Snape's evil?

Io: I'm just here for the sex, man.

JimmyDoorlocks: Fair enough.

Interview #11: Seamus Finnegan 

JimmyDoorlocks::shakes bottle of firewhisky in front of Seamus' face:: Hey, drunkie! Lookit! Lookit what I got! Yummy, yummy alcohol! Alkie want?

Seamus: What…the fuck…are you doing?

JimmyDoorlocks: Lookit! Alkie want! Alkie want?

Seamus: Stop it! Just because I'm from Ireland does not mean I'm a drunk!

JimmyDoorlocks::snorts:: Riiight. So if I threw this entire bottle across the lawn and told you to fetch, you wouldn't go get it?

Seamus: …absolutely fucking no-

JimmyDoorlocks::throws bottle::

Seamus::fetches::

JimmyDoorlocks: Christ, I love teasing alcoholics.

Interview #12: Angelina Johnson

JimmyDoorlocks: How many times has Fred asked if George could join you two in bed?

Angelina: Waaay too many.

JimmyDoorlocks: They wanna fuck each other, right?

Angelina: So bad. It's actually quite hilarious. It's the only reason I stay around.

JimmyDoorlocks: So, what about Snape?

Angelina: Evil. Evil as whitey. I mean, he killed Dumbledore for Merlin's sake!

JimmyDoorlocks: Really?

Angelina: Uh…yeah. That's kinda why everyone's asking.

JimmyDoorlocks: Huh…I should check that out. Have fun with the twincest.

Interview #13: Dumbledore's Corpse

JimmyDoorlocks: Do you think Snape's evil?

Dumbledore's Corpse:

JimmyDoorlocks: Does it suck to be all maggoty and rotting?

Dumbledore's Corpse:

JimmyDoorlocks: Hmmm…::looks around to make sure no one's watching::

Dumbledore's Corpse:

JimmyDoorlocks::commits despicable acts of necrophilia. Fuck, no! Necromancy, I meant necromancy.::

Dumbledore's Corpse:

JimmyDoorlocks::Actually, having looked them both up, I did mean necrophilia::

Dumbledore's Corpse:

Interview #14: Severus Snape

Severus: You smell disgusting. What the fuck have you been doing?

JimmyDoorlocks: What? Nothing! Anywayz, let's keep focused on what's important. Are you evil?

Severus: …No.

JimmyDoorlocks: Really?

Severus: Really Really.

JimmyDoorlocks: …are you lying to me?

Severus: …No.

JimmyDoorlocks: Oh, cool. Thanks for your time.

There you have it folks. Snape is not evil.

What? There's more!? Fuuuck...

The Second…heh…Coming

(Thank you, My Stalker)

By Dylan S. Thompson

"Jesus must have had, like, the loosest asshole in all of the known world back then," intoned Harry, who was sitting across from Ron in the midst of a rousing game of Wizard's Chess(!).

Well, Harry was in a rousing game of Wizard's Chess(!). Ron was having some difficulty since there wasn't a chessboard…or pieces…and Harry was actually talking to a fireplace. Ron was eating chocolate about ten feet away.

Wizard's Chess(!)

"Who?" asked Ron, alarmed that Harry was talking.

"I mean, seriously, he had like twelve guys that just followed him around…worshipping him. What do you think they did for entertainment at night? Sing campfire songs and make s'mores?"

"They could have…" Ron said cautiously.

"No," answered Harry, jumping up and down very dramatically to make his point, "it's obvious to me what was going on."

"Look, I have no idea who you're talking about…"

"Gangbangs!" exclaimed Harry, not realizing that he was being listened to for a change.

"And I clearly remember performing a silencing spell on you…"

"Every night Jesus got fucked by every single disciple."

With a sigh, Ron decided to go with his failsafe.

"And there was probably fisting going on, probably his mother and…oooh! Candy!"

As per usual, Harry mistook Ron's foot for a chocolate frog and tried to get the Famous Wizard card. This time he got Morgana!

And Ron got gnawed on again.

It was a sad state of affairs that the only sexual stimulation he got was from his best friend trying to eat his foot and extract a card from it, but, alas, such is life when your girlfriend is in love with a bit of wood and your best friend finally took so many drugs he damaged his higher brain functions.

Ron sighed again as Harry wound down, wondering for the eighteenth time why he hadn't done what was proper for retards like Harry…sterilized him and then locked him up in an institution where the rest of society could forget about him.

And then he came in his pants, and he remembered. The man might be retarded, vulgar, and insane…but he gnawed a good foot. (A/N: This is actually why I'm still around.) And taking sexual advantage of the mentally challenged is good fun.

Lighting up a joint in post-coital satisfaction, Ron kicked Harry in the head to get his attention and demanded, "Who's this Jesus cunt you were gibbering about?"

Harry whimpered and said, "You know, Jesus Christ…the messiah…the savior…how can you not know who he is? You celebrate Christmas!"

Ron wondered how Harry was suddenly lucid and not retarded or insane, but fuck it, I don't feel like caring.

Ron shrugged, both at Harry and at my shoddy writing, and said, "I never heard about this Christ guy…I just woke up one morning and found presents next to my bed and went with it. That's my philosophy, Harry. If people give you presents, just go along with whatever they say."

"That'll work out well for you."

Suddenly, Jesus burst into the Gryffindor common room.

"Get the fuck out of here, you Spic bastard!" exclaimed…well…everyone. I mean, who likes Hispanics? But it was mostly Ron, who once had his job taken by a Mexican.

But, seriously, I was talking about the messiah. I just can't resist a good racial slur.

"Hey," said Jesus…the fucking Christ!

Adjusting his offensiveness accordingly, Ron exclaimed, "Get out of here you Kike bastard!"

Jesus just smirked and turned some water into wine.

Tangent: Does anyone else find it funny that one of Jesus' miracles was getting people drunk?

Anywayz, seeing his opportunity to have his burning question answered, and maybe get his STDs healed, Harry asked of Jesus, "So, I've gotta know, did you and the Apostles fuck each other? And did you ever fist your mom?"

Jesus gazed serenely at Harry for about five minutes, and then said, "Yeah."

And then he did a whole bunch of 'shrooms.

I FUCKING HATE WHITE PEOPLE!  
(THE END)


End file.
